Uncomfortable learning and coming on to my doorman

Hi. Welcome.

This has been a long time coming, I guess. I'm a "writer" who doesn't write, like a lazy, inflexible yogi. I don't know how to think about writing anymore. I don't know how to give words to my thoughts anymore. But here I am, daily both tested and inspired whilst suffering from an overly-caffeinated, overly-stimulated brain. I think it's time I train myself to be more intentional with my thoughts.

By this point in the post I had probably already written several paragraphs, then deleted them because they're too serious. I actually just want to be this person who makes you laugh with her snarky remarks and then you realize as you're crying real laugh-tears that, wow, that was actually really deep and poignant. That's a good aesthetic to have. People seem to like it. You see, I suffer from cool-girl syndrome. I just want to be hella chill and endearingly quirky, but in reality that's not me. I have screwed up too many relationships because I've tried to be the cool girl who can hang, but by giving off that vibe I've neglected to honestly communicate my needs. What I'm trying to say is, I hope eventually I can find a writing style that feels coherent and not as bi-polar as this first post might.

Believe it or not, living in a foreign country has really mellowed me out. I could not cope here if I was wound as tightly as I was a couple years ago. Because guess what, sometimes you try putting some Spanish flair on an English word when you don't know the Spanish translation and end up saying something sexually suggestive to your doorman; sometimes buses are an hour late and sometimes they don't stop for you at all no matter how fervently you flag them down; sometimes you nod in affirmation when really you have no idea what question you were just asked and you must cross your fingers and hope for the best; and sometimes you have four class cancellations in a week and just don't make the money you'd been counting on. These things happen, and you roll with it. Look at me, being actually a little bit chill.

Here in Chile, I embarrass myself almost every single day, and when it occurs I must choose between 1. laughing it off and chalking it up to a learning experience, or 2. curling up in my bed and longing for sweet death to release me from this prison of shame. I'm proud to say I almost always choose the former. You know, I realized this week that it's weirdly important to find myself in embarrassing or uncomfortable situations, because it means I'm trying. It means I'm putting myself out there. It means I'm learning the language (albeit sloooowly). And if my ego is the collateral damage, that's even better. Growth is never comfortable because it's not our norm; it's something that feels a bit off at first but soon we learn to sit with it and let it share our space.

Well, I don't know if this feels like a complete post, but that's all I have for now, so, um, bye.