Make friends as an adult while maintaining your dignity: A sloppy how-to

You guys. Making friends as an adult is HARD. It’s probably harder than any other challenge I’ve encountered in my adult life. I would sooner date than try to navigate the dynamics of a new female friendship. How soon after meeting someone is too soon to ask them to hang out with me? How often can I ask them to hang out without seeming clingy (is twice in one week too much)? If we had a nice chat at a party, will they actually remember me the next day? How do I balance on that impossibly-thin line between unapproachable and desperate? I struggled and mostly failed when I moved to Kansas City, and struggled again when I moved to Santiago. Thankfully, this time around I found some workable solutions for me that’s kept the insecurity at bay and resulted in several dear friends. Although I’m living abroad, these ideas aren’t exclusive to being an expat: I would repeat the same formula wherever in the world I live next.

  

Get a hobby and join a club. It’s a low-risk environment: strike up a conversation about the thing you’re doing or avoid awkward silences by pretending to concentrate on the activity instead of racking your brain for something to say. Basically fool proof. Plus, even if you do somehow manage to make a fool of yourself, seeing the other members on a regular basis gives you a chance to grow on them. Before they know it, you’ve wormed your way into their lives.

When I arrived in Santiago, I needed activities; I wanted to be able to continue my hobbies and pick up some new ones. I wasn’t necessarily hunting for new friends, I just really loved my hobbies (a side effect of being single for many MANY years). After a particularly rough few weeks shortly after I arrived, I started going to a yoga studio to get in a better headspace. I found out that people are often at their best after a yoga class (myself included): cheerful, open, and friendly. The yoga studio environment is a perfect breeding ground for new friendships.

I have always loved needlecrafts, so when an Italian girl posted in a Facebook group (see Facebook groups are your friend, below) that she was looking for some girls to try out embroidery with, I immediately hopped on board. That was a year and a half ago: members have come and gone, but we still meet every couple weeks, working on new projects, learning new stitches, and even attending workshops together. Although embroidery is what brought us together, we have more importantly formed our own little community where we share food, revel in our cultural differences, and vent about frustrations of expat life.

Find like-minded people. Not everyone is so lucky to have a job that comes with a built-in set of happy hour companions, even though that seems to be how many of my peers make friends. I’m now a freelance English teacher, which means I have zero coworkers. However, I worked a few months at a company with a close-knit team: four native English speakers in an office of South Americans. Not only did our shared mother tongue unite us, but we were weirdly passionate about our work. The collaboration and brainstorming we experienced was magical. For maybe the first time in my life I had found some people I could nerd out about grammar and language learning methodology with—and get paid to do it! Even though we’ve moved on to other jobs, we’ve stayed close and often bounce ideas off each other.

Facebook groups are your friend. Yes, Gen Z, we all know Facebook isn’t cool anymore, thank you for that. But it is still a darn useful networking tool! When I first moved to Santiago, I joined a bunch of Facebook groups for foreigners. Around the time of my first Thanksgiving here, someone posted that she didn’t want to spend her first Thanksgiving out of the U.S. alone, so she invited any and all expat girls to her home for a vegetarian potluck (let’s be honest, turkey is NOT the star of the show anyway). This is not something that I would ever consider doing in the U.S. and she probably wouldn’t either—you don’t just go over to a stranger’s home to hang out. At best it’s awkward and at worst your body parts could end up in their basement freezer. Those rules don’t seem to apply when you’re an expat: we’re desperate for our familiar traditions and connection with people to share them with. So, I showed up, along with 20 or so others—almost all of us complete strangers. What a memorable evening it turned out to be; I left with warm memories and a belly full of wine and probably the most delicious Thanksgiving feast I’ve had. This past Thanksgiving the hostess (and now my dear friend) and I shared our third Thanksgiving dinner together.

Facebook groups have absolutely improved my quality of life here. I have found new students through Facebook, I found my previous job through Facebook, and if it weren’t for Facebook I wouldn’t even have met my partner. Facebook isn’t just for bored moms, people!

Start saying “yes.” This one spins off of the previous idea of meeting up with strangers via Facebook. You’ve got to actually say yes when you’re invited. “Yes” is not my comfort zone: I would label myself a moderate hermit, in favor of an early bedtime over a night out. However, when I moved to Chile I knew that would need to change if I was going to make friends with anyone other than my Uber drivers. So when people invited me to do things, I forced myself to accept. Pub crawl? Wow, love that idea! All-day barbecue with Chileans? Bring on the pisco! Language exchange with a roomful of strangers? Why the heck not!

It wasn't so terrifying as it sounds (pisco is actually quite delicious). I had already taken a massive leap out of my comfort zone, moving to a new country, so since I was already uncomfortable every moment of every day, I figured I might as well play around in that space. To be perfectly honest, I don’t operate this way anymore. I might have self-destructed if I had not integrated "no" back into my vocabulary beyond my first year in Santiago. That being said, I do think it’s necessary to leave my comfort zone behind in a new city until I find real connection with the people and spaces around me.

Thank you for reading!